Ghost of You

SIF ASGAUT
Bulletproof, Nothing to Lose

----skip to after he pulls her away---

His voice had tailed her all the way out of the maze. She barely remembered Khepri leaping, the way he had tried to protect her, all she had seen in those slow yet quick paced moments was how she felt as the numbness that saved her the previous time did not work in the same way it had before. Leaving the forest she also hardly recalled beyond a blur and only now that they stopped moving did she feel where teeth had been clamped against her shoulder, saliva matting her fur and causing the air that touched it to be cold. Her head snaked around absentmindedly, lost and confused on where she was as if in the worst drunken stupor of her life, her body swaying slightly as her ears folded backward to what still sounded like a million whispers that could not form any distinguishable words resulting in more of a white noise. She felt nothing and yet everything all at once, swallowing as she had a hard time remembering much of anything after the question about Aurora as shock overpowered reality in means to protect her mind, her heart. Unfortunately such an effect had not successfully worked as the parts with little meaning were the only one stripped from her.

In a dazed state, she’d notice Khepri looking at her and one thing that pulled at her far more than anything he had said prior was what he had done. He had reacted. He had seen Yaroslav. His bark to tell her to shut up had been shocking but more than anything the fact her nightmares were real broke her far more than this man’s words ever could. No, that too was a lie, they had stung like the kiss of a viper but in the moment, it was hardly her focus as she started to realize they weren’t in the forest anymore. She could see a good portion of the Lowlands, her birth sector, causing her to glance toward the West where the mountains overshadowed the land in their beautiful isolation. They seemed colder than normal and not quite the place she usually wanted to call home once more, blurry. Why were they blurry?

The sound of speaking would catch her attention as the man in her company had started to move away, ambient in slow motion before it would stop entirely as if waiting. Was he waiting for confirmation, approval for him to leave or? She stared at his tawny fur, taking in his appearance lackadaisical but the desire to tell him to leave like he was some soldier waiting for it’s superiors orders didn’t come so swiftly though it did creep up into her throat out of habit. You’re dismissed. It’s for the best. Neither option came to life. Like the mountains he was blurry too, if not worse. Her paw would raise to gently wipe at her eye only to realize she was shaking and the weight of her body felt like too much to the point she’d collapse abruptly as her limbs gave way. Glancing down, she’d notice dampness on her wrist. Was she crying? Was it blood? She couldn’t tell against such dark fur and the haze of her own vision.

It didn’t matter.

Nothing mattered.

She’d turn to look behind her toward the forest before glancing back at the male’s back, wanting him to stay despite everything said, she still felt safer with him here. That voice to say his name or his title eluded her too. Speech as a whole seemed to be torn from her throat, feeling like she couldn’t get air into her lungs at all. There was that desire to go back into the forest, to face what she had started to; maybe speaking to it would be beneficial to progressing and if it wasn’t, the worse outcome couldn’t be so bad. Her daughter was old enough to care for herself now and she had a family to care for her better than she ever had. It took forced time off for her to be there, when she probably should have left the army altogether to care for the child but it was an escape. She deserved nothing but that hellscape provided and yet her body wouldn’t even allow her to do that. Here did not exist, here was nothing but a fantasy as she fell into herself, curling up into a ball. If it wasn’t a dream, if it wasn’t just another intrusion that entirely blurred her reality… she didn’t want to fathom that but she had been forced to.

With the last bit of energy, determination not to totally succumb, she would manage one simple word if he was even here anymore to hear it. “Sorry...” It wasn't the word she wanted to say, far from it but it was probably the one most important for him to hear.

code by claerie

khepri tiamat.

The forest had become a haze as they ran but now that they were free from it's clutches, he felt like he could thin more clearly. As he stood there, he thought about how he might've been too harsh with her but his point still stood. He had not done anything to her and he would not be accused of such vile things. There were plenty of other things she could have called him that were true. However, none of those things came to light, nor did more words of anger and mistrust. His ear turned as he heard a sound, thinking that perhaps she'd ran off and left him there before he'd had a chance to do the same.

But when he looked back she was still there, only she was no longer the woman filled with ire and doubt he'd seen in the forest, but one destroyed. A single word shuddered from her chest and within seconds he was beside her again. The pull of her demure figure and the look on her face was enough to make the anger ebb away entirely; his desire to help her overtaking him. She didn't appear... hurt... just worn and exhausted. He felt that way too but was still far too frazzled to fall apart about it. Though, he knew when he got home he'd probably be doing the same. In this moment it was odd that he was the 'stronger' one. Khepri laid down beside her, close enough to touch but not daring to. "It's fine. Forget it, Sif." he said as he lay opposite her, resting his muzzle on his paws and looking into her eye. "We're out, everything's fine." he whispered, trying to coax her out of her stupor. He had to wonder... just who that ghost had been to make her react this way?

Something about the entre thing had been off.

He didn't know that man, but he didn't look like a man Khepri would want to know in all honesty. Those blue eyes, from what he had noticed, seemed cruel and cold, and the way he'd gone after only Sif... made him wonder if that man was the reason she'd stood there an accused him of something so sinister. His gut clenched, but he said nothing. It wasn't his business and regardless, now was not the time or place to discuss literal ghosts of the past. "I'll stay right here till you feel good enough to go. You're safe here..." he said gently. He wanted to reach out and hold her face in his hands, but he was too afraid to touch her. Mostly because he thought she might think he had ulterior motive but also becuase she looked almost made of glass; like she might shatter the moment he made contact.

So he would wait with her until she grew strong enough to move on her own. He wouldn't just leave her here alone. If the ghosts returned he supposed he'd have to learn how to fight visions. The thought would be amusing if it weren't terryfing.

-exit?-

table by hale. image from unsplash.

SIF ASGAUT
Bulletproof, Nothing to Lose

The world was slowly coming more to focus as she could hear things outside of herself more now, that soft chirping of birds in the distance to the crunch of leaves as they were rocked by the wind gently. No those were footsteps not leaves as they crushed the crisp blades of grass, hyper aware as her space was being more invaded, though she wouldn’t budge no matter how close it seemed to get. It wasn’t till his voice cracked past the whispers that she acknowledged anything at all, not really expecting him to still be here when it sounded like he had been more than set on getting away from the forest. He had no reason to stay, apology or not, he had been enraged for possibly good reason if her accusation had been indeed wrong and he wasn’t just playing the nice guy for benefit he might obtain later.

Fine? Forget? Forgetting was difficult as much as it was sometimes too easy, a blip completely gone till something might trigger it in the future.

It wasn’t till she could feel the faintness of his warmth that she would make any effort to look in his direction, pulling her face out from hiding in the shield of her tucked arm only to rest her cheek lazily on top of the dark appendage. Close, he was close and yet he was distant, her perception twisted as nothing seemed quite right. She didn’t feel here. The situation was fine, he’d say again. She was anything but fine but the haze in her gaze was simply that of a woman with no light left, empty and desolate, barely even reflecting his smooth caramels as they peered intrusively into her singular lens. Had she been normal she might have taken the held gaze as a challenge but instead she merely held it quietly as if using it as something to grab onto. Something to give her at least some stability, to ground her but she still felt like she was falling, plummeting into an endless void. He looked so gentle, so attentive, much like a father trying to ensure their child that the nightmares couldn’t hurt them. He had mentioned being a father, though it seemed even worse than her as a mother, having not even attempted to keep in his child’s life. Where she had made an effort to never leave her baby without a lullaby and a warm blanket made of her own pelt each night, when war did not force her away for weeks. A mother’s protection and warmth.

If only it had been her father’s ghost instead, then maybe she’d be happy right now. To hear his voice again, beautiful songs that matched his beautiful personality. There were so many options, so many spirits that could have visited her instead that would melt her heart. The fact she hadn’t seen them though, it was in her mind proof that her family’s traditions were real. Their souls were freed, released from a water burial that Diluc had been kind enough to allow and assist her in giving her parents, siblings and other kin eternal rest before he had assimilated her as his servant.

She’d hyperventilate for a few seconds, wanting to speak, wanting to do something to get out of this prison that was her own body; her own psychological destruction. Her strength, her resilience shattered; the metal of her armor scattered. She wanted to be able to tell him she didn’t need him, his help, his protection or his patience. His kindness. His pity. None of that was possible, not right now because she did need someone no matter how much she denied it to herself, just as she had found comfort in that one male when she was a yearling but she hadn’t seen him for a long, long time. Used and scrapped. He was right. He was… her eyes closed, shutting out such thoughts because had Khepri wanted to use her or abuse her, there truly was nothing stopping him right now as there was no fight in her limbs to get him off her. He ensured she knew he wouldn’t as not even a hair met her own, carefully resting in a way that prevented their physical forms from touching.

Slowly she’d stretch out her neck till her head would gently lull on the tips of his paws, a silent plea that he keep his word and that she accepted his fellowship. Though she couldn’t help but want to say the one word that still never departed from her mouth: Why? She had a feeling she already knew his answer for he had said it nearly every time she had encountered him in her life and that was including today.

He just wanted to help.

-fade exit-

code by claerie