Just breathe

Time here stood still. Perhaps it was due to him still trying to find some peace within this place. It reminded him nothing of home, and that seemed to be his demise. He was looking for purpose, for promise, for familiarity, but here there was none. A long sigh escaped his lips as audits flattened against his crown. When would he find comfort? Right now he had Kyros and while he was ever so grateful for such he didn't know what would become of them, of this place? Would this be home forever? Or would it be as temporary as the ones before it? Anteros deep down resented himself for thinking this way, but as the days dragged and conversations lacked it was hard not to think at all. The wind blew softly against his dark features, caressing the ruffled for on the back of his nape. For a moment he felt the ease, but when the cool air let up the tension would take over once more. How did he rid of it? If he did find something that reminded him of the place he once knew would he be more at peace? Only time would tell it seemed, but until then all he could do was keep trotting along. Slowly he walked to where the water met the earth, like a siren it would call him to take a drink from the cool waters. It would fill the emptiness of his stomach temporarily until he was able to find proper food. Once finished he reclined back against the earth, seating himself comfortably and remaining in his own silence as he contemplated what was to come. "speech"

table by amanda

Like a pig searching for truffles, Kylar snuffled along the riverbanks. Her nose hovered low to the ground, tracing squiggly lines north as she searched for the telltale scent of blue cohosh. It was a delicate plant, and none too indiscriminate from all of the other weeds that grew here. As such, she had to be particularly careful to not miss a clump of it. Thankfully, the colder weather meant more shade which meant more of this particular herb, and Kylar was tickled pink when she stumbled upon a patch. Also known as squaw root or papoose root, this little plant was useful for its contraceptive and abortifacient properties. Although Kylar would never have to rely on it herself, she knew of a group of women down south that would. Clicking her tongue against the roof of her mouth, she went about her business of gathering. It would be a day's journey back home but it would all be worth it in the end. Though, admittedly, she wished she had asked for Nephele or Willa to join her. The roads were safer now, yes, but Kylar still felt lonely. Times like these, when she was out adventuring, she was reminded of old times. Days when she had wandered along, following a man like a hungry shadow. Today she could even smell his scent. Kylar's brow furrowed as she tugged out another plant, carefully pinioning it between her teeth. That was strange, her memory was not often so vivid. If anything, the finer details had begun to fade... so why...? It did not occur to her that he would be here. Here, being Rionnach let alone two meters away or so. As such, even though he lingered like a shadow to her left, Kylar did not pay him any attention. The thought was just so incomprehensible that she was more inclined to believe the man's musk as a figment of her imagination. "speech"

table by amanda

His breaths were steady against the winds, each inhale seemed to bring some sense of calm, but that would be quickly overturned. With closed eyes he took in one more fresh breath of the cool crisp air, but what was attached to it would cause his gaze to snap over the left side of his shoulder and see a ghost of his past. "Kylar?" He breathed suddenly, though light, and immediately his heart began to hammer within his chest. His mouth gaped open slightly. Words, he had to find words, but alas he could not. Did he just leave? Surely she didn't want to see him with all that had transpired in their past and caused the rift between them. Audits flicked backwards atop his ebon' crown as he closed his eyes once more. Maybe she would just disappear? What a foolish thing to think. Anteros was not a man who so often felt small in his own skin except in this very moment., Now there was something familiar, and very familiar at that. The only difference being that there were so many things he wanted to say to her, that he had played over and over in his mind and now that she stood here he had become tongue tied, nothing but a statue. He groaned to himself and it was clear she did not notice him. Maybe that was best. Was she so blind though to not notice if he tried to slink away into the shadows? Why did she still have this hold on him even in present day. His gaze found his paws and they lingered there for a moment. He would wait until his heart began to slow within his breast and mind cleared at least somewhat to finally move. Now his mind was in a war with his heart. He felt he owed her an apology, though he did not feel their misunderstanding to totally be on him alone, but he was not a prideful man. His mind, however, told him to spare himself the potential pain once more and let bygones be bygones. He was sorry though, truely. He was sorry that things ended the way they did, sorry that they had to go separate ways, sorry that she felt betrayed by him. Most of all though he was sorry that he hurt her. That was never his intention. With a slow, deep inhale he stood against the cool winds, frozen if but only for a moment—and then he would make his way towards her. "Kylar," a name that so easily slipped off the tongue, one that held many memories, good and bad. "I—," why was it so hard? Anteros was not often one who had to say sorry, nor was he the type to get into situations that he would find it so hard to get out of. Confrontation was foreign, and so was being disliked... as vein as that sounded. "You don't have to say anything back, nor do you have to accept it, but there is something I have been needing to tell you that I can not take to my grave." He shook his head and would finally catch her gaze. It pained his heart. Her warm amber eyes, her soft delicate features. "I am sorry for hurting you, but mostly I am sorry for disappointing you," his shoulders slouched slightly. "As you can see it left me with nothing," his mouth felt dry, but as the man he was his features remained stoic, though he knew she knew him well enough to see the sincerity in his gaze. He didn't want her pity though, and with that in mind he made sure to quickly continue. "I am glad you are alive, and hopefully well," a pained smile attempted to find his lips, but slowly died out. And with that he simply would nod his head as he quickly cleared his throat and began to take his leave. It was a quiet acceptance, even though he was not sure how she would take it. He, at least, would manage to find some peace in his heart knowing he gave her what she had deserved, all in the while hoping she knew that was the second hardest thing he ever had to do. The first was letting her walk away. "speech"

table by amanda

"Kylar." Black-tipped ears twitched and her chest constricted slightly. Funny. She hadn't heard Anteros' voice in quite some time and it was an anomaly that a stranger would smell like him and sound like him. And look like him. Ruby eyes widened as she took in his familiar face: the swaths of ebony and hints of silver, the golden eyes and soft, still-burning expression that he always seemed to wear when he looked at her. Almost as if it hurt. But that was because it always did. If it wasn't a bear, it was a slew of nightmares. If it wasn't an unrequited love, then it was a burgeoning one weighed down by notions of pack duty and unvoiced expectations. Their story was one misunderstanding after another and a thousand choked and swallowed apologies. Nope. Nope nope nope. Noppity nope nope nope. Not today. Ducking her head back down Kylar stared at the muddy water encircling her paws. She saw her own reflection as it shivered and jumped with the passing current. Wiping her paws quickly on the long grasses, she turned to hobble away, desperately wishing on a star that he was just a wayward figment of her imagination. Or, more realistically, that he could just pretend that she hadn't seen him. Of course he wouldn't, he had always been too shrewd, but she wasn't sure her heart could handle this sort of dramatic, gut-wrenching visitation. But, oh damn it. Her plants. Biting her lip, she stopped... and stiffened... and glanced over her shoulder. The nail was knocked into the coffin. Swallowing, Kylar turned an inch around but did not fully face him. It was like a safety blanket, the fact that she didn't have to look at him fully. Though in reality, if he wanted to, he could chase her down and hold her. "You don't have to say anything back, nor do you have to accept it, but there is something I have been needing to tell you that I can not take to my grave." A furrow formed in her brow and she stared obstinately at the ground. Some part of her, the logical part, told her to look at him. He was not so horrible as to never be seen again. But, every time she tried, her chest would constrict and her heart would tighten and every memory would come flooding back. The feeling of seeing the man's face again, of remembering his amber eyes and the way he had jabbed at her, teeth grazing her ears and cheeks and side. The nightmares, the sickly feeling of being alone... and the way Anteros' return had been like a ray of sunshine. She had followed him and basked in that warmth. She had allowed him to protect her and, in turn, he had given her the space to carve out her own sense of autonomy. Their utopia had been small but worthwhile, and Kylar had taken great pride in it. And then that man appeared. And when she banished him, knowing full well that Anteros would grant her the opportunity to choose whether she lived with those that had hurt her, suddenly the choice had been stolen from her. His word was final. An order from the alpha. And that man, that man with the amber eyes that glowed and flickered like a serpent's, would grow to stand above her, to hold a higher rank, to possess more and—oh damn it. Her heart was racing a mile a minute and she felt sick to her stomach. In another life, in another world, maybe she could have grown to forgive that amber-eyed man and hear him out. But when she felt betrayed, and oh lord had she back then, then every single icky, horrible feeling was plastered over that man's face until she could not see brown and amber without feeling the gut wrenching desire to cry and fight and tear limb from limb. And yet she was so helpless that she would never be able to. "I am sorry for hurting you, but mostly I am sorry for disappointing you," Anteros began and, inexplicably, this caused tears to leap into her eyes. Red eyes became watery and she shuddered all over. These were the words she had wanted to hear for so long but... now... "As you can see it left me with nothing." ... A soft sob left her and she bit into her lip, harder this time. Another shuddering breath, another choked swallow. She could hear the sincerity in his voice but a part of her hated it. There was so much anger in her, so much hatred, and it had no place to go. He wasn't even a proper punching bag when he wasn't screaming at her face. And a part of her hated to let it go. She had been so consumed by the pain and betrayal that she had allowed it to become a part of her identity. Without it... she didn't know. That chest of horrid memories was a cornerstone of her psyche, something she would glance at only for the sick familiarity of it. "I am glad you are alive, and hopefully well..." He began, voice softening a tad, almost echoing the way they had once spoken to one another when they had been a new couple, recently mated. And although she was happy with Nephele and would not trade their relationship for anything, a part of her hated him for ruining that too. Of course her hot-headed, stubborn self and brutal tongue had had a hand in that, but she was just as stubborn now. More tears slid down her cheeks, each one flowing more easily than the last. She shut her eyes and looked away. "Please... please go," Kylar gasped, sinking onto her haunches. "I... I can't..." Not now. Not right now. Maybe later she would find him when the shock had worn off and her walls were up high, high enough so that the pain couldn't get out. But her shield had been on the ground this time and her tears flowed like blood from a fresh wound. "speech"

table by amanda

He was not blind to her tears, but he did not wish to see them fall off her cheeks as he wished to do nothing more then wipe them away. That was not his place, however, and with that in mind he found himself frozen against the earth with nothing more to do then just look upon her. She could not find his gaze, he understood it, just as he would understand the next words to fall from her lips. 'Please go.' It was a nip to the heart, but one he expected. Anteros was a lot of things, but a fool was not one of them. He knew what he was asking was a lot, even for her, but just as hard as it was for her to hear it was for him to say it. A soft smile tugged at his lips before it faded and he would not in understanding. 'I can't.' He inhaled a deep breath and allowed it to escape his nostrils. "I understand," he had said his piece and that was all he desired to do. "Take care of yourself," all he wanted from her was to be well. Safe, healthy and happy. That was all he ever wanted. He would turn from her and face the opposite direction. He wasn't quite sure where he would go, considering she was the only familiar thing he now knew of this place, but he would find somewhere to go if this was the place she called home. Large paws carried his forward while the winds whispered sweet nothings into his lobes. He would not return to the place that was known as Maiden's Braid. He would not return anywhere that smelt of her. Anteros did not desire to be a ghost that only haunted her. He wanted her to forget him, he wanted her to live her life and be happy as he had once tried to do a long time ago, but failed. He did not wish to burden her anymore. He would walk until he was no longer visible and his own healing process would begin from that moment on. exit anteros "speech"

table by amanda

He was a magnetic field and she was an electron lost in the current. And yet she always found a way to do the opposite of what he wanted. When he had protected her, she had only needed to say thank you. Instead, she had growled at him for being foolish, for risking his life for hers. And he had left, only to return. That time had felt magical too, as if he had been conjured up from her nightmares if only to banish them. Which was why she felt so betrayed. He was her protector, always had been whether she acknowledged it or not. Transgressions or no, he still filled that role in her heart, and that made the hurt all the worse. But it wouldn't get better unless she let him in. Even as she urged him to leave, a part of her wondered if he would come forward and try to brush away the tears or ask her to look up at him. He didn't. And she wasn't sure if she was relieved or disappointed. ... It was several hours before the crying fully stopped. Of course, the sobs had come and gone. Every time she had felt ready to stumble home, a new wave would wash over her. The cycle continued until she had no tears left and a throbbing headache pounded within her temples. Her eyes stung and her tears and traced dark lines around her muzzle. When at last she found her paws, Kylar released a shaky breath and squeezed her eyes shut. Technically, she had gotten what she wanted. Or, if not that, at least what she asked for. So why did she feel so empty, so... incomplete? It was with that sense of disquiet that she padded home, thoughts on the herbs she carried and the directions that would guide her back to Nephele. All the while, however, she felt numb and heavy. exit kylar "speech"

table by amanda